In The Raw

tattered dreams and broken heart
lying at her feet
she waits in piercing solitude
bruised from moments
long since drifted by
jagged memories drawing blood
a child’s hope and woman’s wishes
remaining unfulfilled
while the soul does despair
despite doubts dark tears
the woman’s vigil continues
for the memories of the dream
the child’s whispered hope
promise future salvation

why not you

with your benevolent smiles and wicked ways

why not you?

with your fetid dreams and malevolent gains

why not you?

with your saccharine smile and shiftless schemes

why not you?

with your licentious lies and viperous praise

why

not

you….

Biddly bohoooop Mleep moark marraa marraaa dooooo.
Poo.
Poo.

SMOOOOOOOOOOOPLY POOOO!

“Unless you try to do something beyond
what you have already mastered,
you will never grow.”
- Ronald E. Osborn

I hate it.  Hate it, hate it, hate it, fucking hate it. 

That’s all. 

One important key to success is
self-confidence. An important key to
self-confidence is preparation.
- Arthur Ashe

You’ll accomplish more if you start now.

How interesting that this would be my fortune on the tail of explaining a new venture to someone. It seems as though things are starting to progress in a direction I’ve always wanted to go in but was too scared to go. It’s an exciting, scary, anxious, hopeful thing. It means taking risks and putting myself out there for the world in a way I’ve never been courageous enough to try before (despite constant prodding). And I feel as though it’s time. Lately I’ve been taking steps in this direction anyway, probably more than those around me have even realized, and I feel like the beginnings of this new venture are exactly right. Like I’ve been waiting for exactly this moment. It’s a heady feeling.

It’s not all sunshine and roses (shocking, I know) since I’m always too busy worrying about the “what ifs” of any situation. This venture isn’t mine alone. It’s something that I’ll be sharing with my best friend. Who also happens to be my big sister. This is a wonderful thing and I think we have the potential to be good partners (here’s hoping). But it also concerns me in a few areas: we’re drastically different people and have very strong opinions on how we like things, and each of us is always right about what we’ve decided. We also have the big sister / little sister thing going: she tends to lead, I often follow. It’s not a role I take with anyone else in the grand scheme but it’s one I have a hard time breaking out of with her. So all these things make me worry about arguments and strife and tension.

This has also been my dream for a very very very long time. It’s something I’ve often discussed in detail with my mother but it’s been morphed to fit our lives and the current situation. And now it’s being shared. And I know I’m being silly and selfish but I can’t help feeling a little….off somehow. I don’t even know how to describe it. I just feel off because it’s no longer “mine” but “ours.” I’m sure it speaks to my commitment issues and who knows what else. But there it is. And in a way I feel as though if it’s a success, it will be more her success than mine. As though I couldn’t have done it. I know that’s she’s worried that I’ll resent her in some way for it if it is a success and that bothers me too. For both of our sakes.

Anyway, I didn’t mean for a rant or a whine. I was just laying in bed thinking (actually of something else completely) and I couldn’t sleep and I felt like writing. This is what came out.

“You are today where your thoughts have
brought you; you will be tomorrow
where your thoughts take you.”
- James Allen

I hate that sometimes someone can say something that makes me completely uncomfortable with my own personality.  I have a tendency to just say what pops into my brain and often it’s the wrong thing to say.  Or it comes across differently than I intend.  And sometimes I say something that someone will then comment on or question, and it sends me into a mental tailspin of neurosis.  It’s awful and I hate that I do it.  Actually, I hate that I do all of it.  I wish I was the person who always knew the right thing to say and how to say it.  The witty sophisticated one with the sparkling personality.  Instead I’m the “unique” girl with perpetual verbal diarrhea. 

A day in the life of a great yogi….. ha…. don’t I wish.

I just finished my yoga workout. I took a break from yoga for a bit but I’ve been craving it again lately so I pulled out the dvd’s. Mark Blanchard…Progressive Power Yoga…Disc III. Yeah. He’s a nazi. It’s incredibly strenuous and can stomp my ego into the ground. Which is why you’re supposed to leave ego at the door when doing it. The workout went wonderfully in comparison to when I started working out again a few months ago. I actually made it through an hour of the workout, maybe a little tiny bit more, as opposed to the 15-20 minutes I barely dragged myself through before.

At first I wanted to stop maybe 10-15 minutes in. The chaturangas were harder than the last time I did it. I was tired. Basically I was being a whiny ass in my own head. So I just pushed forward. And then I realized I was doing more than I typically do. Maybe not all of it fabulously, but I was doing it. And when we got to the place where they start the set up for Bakasana, or Crane Pose (or Crow Pose), I felt stable and thought “I can do this.” I’ve done Crane Pose for a moment several times when I used to do yoga…..when I worked in a gym and worked out minimum of four days a week….and did yoga almost every week. So I figure…maybe today….

For those of you who don’t know, let me give you an image on Crane Pose:

That would be a beginner version. The one I was attempting. In the more advanced version the arms are straight and everything is just held in the balance. Incredible muscle control. It looks like this:

Yes beautiful.

So here I go….hands flat, knees tucked onto biceps, arms solid, now lift! Lift!

And promptly fly forward at an alarming rate, face first toward the cement floor. Of course my arms were under my body in my lovely crow pose and all I could think was “Shit…there go my new glasses…” But lucky for me I’ve got great reflexes (if not wonderful judgment) and managed to fling my arms forward in time to prevent a broken nose.

And this is why yoga should always be ego-free. You might think you’re about to soar into a beautiful Crane Pose but in reality the ground is much closer than you think. Pick yourself back up, and keep it going. As Mark says “We all create mistakes in our lives.”